“Human nature
will not flourish, any more than a potato, if it be planted and replanted, for
too long a series of generations, in the same worn-out soil. My children have
had other birthplaces, and, so far as their fortunes may be within my control,
shall strike their roots into unaccustomed earth.”
- Nathanial Hawthorne
“I know that my achievement is quite ordinary. I am
not the only man to seek his fortune far from home, and certainly I am not the
first. Still, there are times I am bewildered by each mile I have traveled,
each meal I have eaten, each person I have known, each room in which I have
slept. As ordinary as it all appears, there are times when it is beyond my
imagination." (From "The Third and Final Continent")
― Jhumpa Lahiri,
Interpreter of Maladies
What does it mean when they say - where is home?
Growing up in the heart of Dhaka city could be a potential winner. Or is it the
past six years, in a faraway city of Toronto - a time when my world was turned
upside down and yet somehow I eventually found a little bit of footing? Or
maybe I don't have a home. Maybe wherever I am, that's home. Maybe it's the
subway I am in right at this moment - is my temporary home. And all these
passengers are my housemates. We all live our lives beyond this subway ride -
but in the minutes that we share together - however short or long - it's so
very belonging to us. Sheltered from the world outside. On our way to home.
When the prospects started to grow that I would have
the incredible opportunity to go abroad and study - naivety took over. Growing
up - I thought my darker skin color kept me at bay from people. My overweight
self-thought - I am the anomaly. Or when I was giggling after hearing about my
brothers O'Level results - my mother outright shunned that I'd not get anything
close to his grades. I deserve it - it was rude of me to laugh without knowing
how challenging these exams tend to be. And mind you, my ignorant self-thought
anything less than A is disappointing. This is highly ironic given how most of
high school, I struggled terribly when it came to grades. My grades were
embarrassing. But a little fire ignited within me. That moment and so many
moments before and since then - the realization that although I may not be
enough, it simply doesn't hurt to try. And if it hurts, maybe the pain will be
bearable. And if it's unbearable, that I hope in due time - I recover. Point
being, I have struggled with confidence, self- esteem and all those struggles
that just makes you be you.
So here's a me that's now on the horizon of being
thwarted into real world - what does real world mean? Are you telling me the
last 18 years of my life wasn't real? "Sheltered life" - oh that
makes sense. Who knows? To each their own. What I eventually learned and
accepted is that when you get to make decisions of your own and live with the
consequences - that's when things start to make a bit of sense. Suddenly it's
on you.
Fast forward and I am in this foreign land. It's
beautiful, busy and extremely cold in due time. People that may remotely know
you may ask "how are you?" - to which surprisingly the answer is to
be kept as a simple - "fine, thank you. How are you?" and you can
figure out what happens next. Hint - not much. So here's me - in this foreign
land - someone who has struggled with English for most of his life - mostly
because all the grammar classes went over my head and/ or I simply couldn't
bother to understand the technicality of it all. Just the other day, a friend
causally said out aloud - "this doesn't even sound like English" to
something I wrote - to which so many memories came over me. He might have said
it without knowing the history I have with this language. You know, as an
immigrant - it's difficult to explain how hard it can be to embrace something
that's not familiar as your mother tongue. It's just hard. It feels like you
get stopped at expressing how you truly really feel. And with that struggle -
you feel frustration. You feel like what you are saying is so very rusty and
not you. And you give up. You give up explaining because it doesn't sound like
what's in the heart. What's within. What instead comes out is something
unfamiliar. Like not you. But still, very much you.
So now you have someone who struggles with self-esteem
issues and inferiority complex with regards to the most commonly used language
across the world - in a city so far away from home. Let's add a bit of spice to
it and say that dealing with it meant over-consumption of food. Result - someone
who feels like an outcast yet again. Not enough.
Eventually things turned around when I lost a lot of
my weight - started to feel like maybe not all is lost, that there may be more.
That it's worth the chase.
So when I was approached by this person - let's call
him John, even though he is nothing like a John, to basically get a discussion
of about 2 hours as to how he landed this great job - with the subtle hint that
he wants me to eventually get it as well - life flashed before my eyes. Why me?
Not enough. Not enough. Why me? And yet with that, came the subtle promise to
myself that let's let the humble heart do what it wants to do. Let it beat. Let
it flutter. Let it do what it wants to.
I did get the job. And since then I have grown with
it. And so much has happened since then. Like how although I have considered
the concept of not being enough, I have embraced the reality of treating people
with the excitement and respect they deserve. You know a lot of people won't
remember the finer details of the day to day life but when you make someone
feel special - not because you have an ulterior motive - but because you
genuinely appreciate you are the lucky one to be around their presence, all
barriers of being an immigrant, being not enough, suffering self-esteem and so
many other adversities - crashes and burns. Because what you are allowing is
the reality that so many of us deny ourselves. That although we may not have a
home, a lover, a proper education, a family, a stable job, a mended heart, a
protected life and so much more - we do have ourselves and those around us. And
when we choose to celebrate that - and let go of the things that push us
against the wall and doesn't let us breathe - much can change for the better.
And although it may not be for a prolong period - those fleeting moments of joy
and unguarded joys of life deserve everything. Deserves every bit of our
attention and love. It comes in full circle. Enough. Enough. So very enough.
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